This was the final session of our evil campaign! All we had ahead of us was taking out this half-acid-covered port town, and we were ready to go…


Picking up where we left off last time, we had just been lifted to the top of the wall structure around Port Sevia and had created a ball of darkness around one of the towers. At this point, the majority of the ballistas were turning to shoot after Toxavale as she flew away. One, to our left, was unmanned. Across from us, and in the town, was a keep.

So pointy.

We darted over to the unmanned ballista. In the meantime, Krat had started tiny bonfires on the ground to light up the city and take out more of the thatched roof homes. Once we got to the ballista, we discovered that there were 12 crossbow bolts. Since Worf and I were the largest characters, we jumped on to man it. I loaded the bolts and Worf fired, while Krat aimed.

Krat got a natural 20 on perception to see where to shoot first, and we aimed. But…we missed. The guys we’d shot at on one of the other towers thought some of their bros were being idiots, so they ignored us. One of the guys had on some really awesome looking binoculars that sounded amazing. I couldn’t wait to get my hands on them.

Our next shot at the guys destroyed the ballista on their tower. And, conveniently, the guy dropped his fancy-ass binoculars right in to one of Krat’s bonfires. 😐 Sigh.

We turned and shot at the next ballista. Our bolt damaged it, but didn’t destroy it. Unfortunately, that attack gave us away and some archers saw us and started heading our way. In the meantime, we took another whack at the ballista and split it right in half. By this time, the archers had gotten within range and had started shooting at us. They had a lady for a leader, so that was pretty sweet.

Way to bust through that glass ceiling, gurl.

Garf and Gondas shot at the archers and missed. Worf got one hit on them. Krat began to grow to twice his normal size and became like a lizardperson Godzilla. He threw Garf into the fray and hit some of the archers. Krat’s zombie Nobby tried to intimidate some folks, but that didn’t work. I managed to hit one, barely.

Then, Garf got another go at the archers’ guards, who we learned were named Ryan and Bryan. Garf killed Bryan, and Ryan grabbed Garf to try to throw him off the wall.

Our DM Alan turned to Garf, “Make a — no, never mind, he failed.”

Both archers shot at Worf and hit. Gandas tossed in some alchemical acid. Worf killed Ryan. Krat went after the archers’ female captain.

I used my greatsword on one of the remaining archers, but only 1/3 of the attacks hit. However, he realized it was Nobundo’s old sword and was thrilled to be hit with it. Garf took a whack as well for 10 damage to the guy’s knee. (Directly to the knee.) On their next turns, one of the guys hit me and the other swung and missed at Krat. Garf went after a kneecap again.

Worf killed one of the guys. Giant Krat picked up a ballista to use as a crossbow. Nobby is now currently trying to ask people for help, but then biting/attacking them if they try to help him.

I attacked an archer who I learned is named Norm Olly. He had retired from his battle days and began teaching, but got swept back up and re-enlisted. I hit him for 13 damage with the first hit and 11 on the second. Garf went after Norm next, but missed.

The unmanned ballista we’d ignored had now been manned, and the new crew shot at Krat, who shielded himself. Their shot was deflected and they all got terrified that they couldn’t even hit the giant lizard. They ran for it. As they sprinted past, Nobby gots a shot at one of them, who he bit and turned in to a zombie. (This new zombie’s name is Byron.)

This, basically.

Worf killed 1 more person and Krat took out that other ballista. I hit the archer a shit ton but he was still up. Garf killed a guy.

From the dark sphere, they’d managed to load the ballista and fire out into the fray…hitting their own guy. Gondas threw alchemical fire into the darkness and lit up the ballista inside. We can’t see what’s going on in there at this point, but there’s a lot of shrieking.

Worf then leaped off of the wall into the city. It was a pretty far jump so Worf took some damage — a bone popped right out of his leg. He just…pushed it back in and moved on. Worf lit a javelin in a nearby fire and threw it at some flammable barrels, destroying them all. Because there were still actions available, he looked around for what to hit next.

What occurred next was the funniest thing that’s happened all campaign.

Worf (Claire): Okay, I’m looking for any dwarves or elves, and if I find any, I use my morningstar on them.
DM (Alan): There is a family with an adopted dwarf child. The two parents are trying to escape and they are holding his hands and running away.
Claire: A child?!
Alan: You said you wanted to hit any dwarves that were around. This is the only one.
Claire: *sighs heavily* Okay. Well I want to go after the dad first.
Alan: They’re both dads.
Claire: ALAN! A gay couple with an adopted child?!
Alan: Don’t blame me. I just put them there. You’re the one that wanted to hit them.
Claire: *sobs*
Alan: Your morningstar kills the entire family.
Claire: *sobs harder*
Alan: Don’t be upset. It’s…it’s uh… a good thing you killed them. They were, um…terrible people…and that dwarf child was like…baby dwarf Hitler!

Just add mustache.

We were all laughing so hard during this entire exchange. Claire finally decided it was okay since it was baby dwarf Hitler, and we moved on through the battle.

Krat took a shot at the ship docked at the pier, but just tore through some of the sails. He threw the ballista at the nearby foundry and jumped down.

I shot lightning into the darkness bubble for double damage. From what we heard, it sounded like I got some folks. Heh.

Garf used the keep as a step down and jumped down into the city. He attacked some people nearby. Byron got to make some some zomb-attacks, but didn’t hit anyone. Garf missed some additional shots and then pretended to take a nap to try to intimidate the people he missed. It worked, and they ran off. In the meantime, I made my way down via some stairs and headed toward the people escaping via the pier.

Gondas threw some acid and missed, so it just…kind of mixed in with Toxavale’s existing acid. Nice, I guess…?

Worf hit a commoner and Krat used magic missiles on 4 more. Using some magic, he sucked back hit points from them as well.

I swung at some folks trying to run for it and killed an old lady.

On his next turn, Garf climbed on to a nearby roof and started his whole schpiel. “I’m the King!” he shouted. His intimidation skills actually made most people start bowing down. Then, he ordered them to attack the foundry.
“But we don’t have any weapons!” one replied.
Garf said, “Well then pick up a rock, you dildo.”
One of the townspeople smirked. “He is a dildo!” Garf then immediately made the guy that agreed a VP. The rest of the townspeople picked up the complainer and started using him as a battering ram for the foundry doors. They crashed through, opening the door, and Garf climbed down and went into the house for celebratory drinks.

Thanks, ya dingalings.

Gondas could now see a huge pile of 17 explosive barrels inside the foundry, and threw alchemical fire at them. This unleashed a huge explosion, basically like that of a 5000 lb bomb.

Everyone but me had to roll to save themselves (I was on the other side of the city). Gondas failed. He ded.

As the smoke began to clear, Krat came walking through holding tiny Gondas. “I love you,” Gondas whispered. Krat ate him.

Still best friends.

Back on the mountaintop, Toxavale gave us a thumbs up.


Bye, Port Sevia-licia.

As the “credits” rolled by, we learned that the Kobolds had built a lovely statue of Gondas in their town square, which is now under what has been renamed “Gondas Mountain”. Worf had started Kindergarten in the Kobold town. Garf wanted to marry Toxavale and push her out to take over, and continued to work with the Kobolds in a leadership position. He’d forced them to make a statue of him, but the Kobolds were far more fond of Gondas’s statue. Krat kept up his worship of Tiamat, but still ate people from time to time. He also penned a note of the story of what had happened, pinned it to Nobby’s shirt, and sent him rowing away towards civilization.

I, on the other hand, continued studying under Tiamat and practicing with my fancy swords.


We’ll be starting up another campaign soon — an ICE campaign! I’m looking forward to it and will be writing a post through the creation of my new character.

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